Where do you start? How do you start? When do you start? There are so many questions ,easy questions, with answers which are right in front of us, but we fail to see. How do you know what you want in your life? When the interviewer asks, about your 5 year or 10 year goal , how do you know the answer? I could never figure out what I want. I never liked making decisions,because somebody always made it for me. It was easier to follow instructions rather than make my own. In spite of this I complained about my indecisiveness. It is strange that at such a young age, one can think of so much. There are so many wonders that need to be de-mystified. Never mind, that was not what I wanted to write about. It is so easy to get deviated from anything. My mother always called my fickle-minded. So, you might face it while reading through. I have forewarned you.
I could never understand my family. For that matter, relationships were always like a tangled mess to me. Nobody talks,nobody shares , there is no emotional attachment. It seemed like we were forced to be together. I don't know what's the story of my parents, what changed their once upon a time famous romance to such a silent torture. I did not want to live in such a family. I wanted to live happily. I wanted to enjoy my life. So, I wanted to run away from everyone I knew in my life. I have only embarrassing, hateful, sad, disappointing memories. I hated myself. My plan was to earn a lot of money, travel the world , shop and wear whatever I wanted to and don't care about anyone or anything. I wanted to own an island and live there for the rest of my life. Just away from everyone I knew. I couldn't face my past or present in the future I wanted. I never kept in touch with my school friends nor with the college friends. I expected a lot from friendship. Books and movies had spoiled me. I wanted friendship and love like they projected. I was never an easy person to satisfy, a person of extremes. Either I get the best or nothing. I never understood the value of small things in life, never understood the word love or care. I hated myself and was the worst person to be alive on this planet. If my present self got a chance to meet my past self, I would have slapped her and asked her to get out of this self created dark hole.
Well, nevertheless. Why do you think its written in the past tense? What changed now? I wonder why is it easier to write when you are sad.
I was frustrated and wanted to change. My threshold had come. I wanted a fresh start . So, before joining B-school, I decided on one thing - I will not have any regrets when I am through these two years. I am ready to make mistakes, but I don't want this negative feeling any more in my life. Always smile, don't judge, stay happy with whatever you have, focus on the good, forget the past, enjoy the present, wait for your beautiful future,don't worry! Such awesome thoughts always in my mind! It was just going on! I was neutral . Until!
I met this guy. I don't know why and how I agreed to go out . Because I never wanted to date or be in a relationship any more. Huh! But, I smiled! I had never smiled 24/7 with such happiness! It was the most amazing feeling in the world.I loved myself when I was smiling. I enjoyed and always looked forward to hanging out with him. I enjoyed his unpredictability. I didn't expect anything ,actually I didn't know what to expect. I just let things be. But, I had no idea what I had got myself into. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about him all the time. I wanted more. And he was the most insensitive guy I had ever met. I was ready to be hurt. I was ready to accept all the pain in return for the hope that things just might change in my favour. It was the worst ever pain! I don't know why people say being in love feels like being in top of the world. I let myself go through all this in spite of all signs asking me to back off and save myself. But I hung on to the small ray of hope that you never know!
I had changed. I grew fond of songs, started understanding the lyrics, enjoyed music. I was more than satisfied with the smallest of things I could get from life. I understood my parents. I could feel my mother's pain. I could understand what relationships mean, value them. I understood what it meant to want spend your lifetime with someone . I understood what it felt to want to be with someone every waking moment in life. I understood the stories I had read and what it meant.
My dreams and wants are still the same, the only component that has changed is that I don't want to be alone any more. I want to be with him! I know its not possible. I am scared of dreaming of my future with him ,it might not happen. I still smile when I am with him. I still love every moment I am with him. I wish I could have a peek into my future and just know! It kills me a little everyday to not to know that I don't know if I will be with the infamous Mr. Perfectly Wrong for happily ever after.