The struggle

I was 15 year old when i was diagnosed with pcos and from then onwards my life changed dramatically. I was a chubby girl who looked way older than her age due to all the weight gain. The world did make me feel ugly about myself as i was surrounded by petite girls who made fun of me and saved my pictures to torment me. It really broke my heart when i never looked good in my clothes as i actually looked very huge . 

Month after month my clothes got tighter so finally my mom got an appointment from a doctor and after several test i was diagnosed with pcos. The doctor told me to lose weight and i was motivated to lose all that weight. I was 90 kgs and lost all the weight to 70. It did boost my confidence but with all the weight loss lost my skin got loose. Yes, i have a flabby tummy and all loose skin around my thigh which needs major reduction but i cant afford it. So with all weight loss and strict diet my body felt so deprived that i started having food addiction. I started gaining all my weight back or i am at a point that i just cant lose weight. All people appreciated me for weight loss but there were some people who are never happy with the way you look. 

Finally i had a boy in my life when i was like 22. He gave me the best time of my life but eventually as it was a distant relationship he started to lose his charm as he expected alot from me and i couldnt give it back. I belong from a conservative family and my parents are not financially stable and he wanted me to take pictures in all those expensive and modern clothes which i couldnt afford at any level. He started making excuses that he has no time to talk as he is traveling or working and eventually i stopped talking as i thought i was the only one running the relationship. He didnt even try to reach me and he posted pictures with all the girls telling me its his freedom and choice to be what he wanted to be. He told me its his life and he only controls it. I felt so unwanted as he didnt respect or considered what my perception was. I left him and till then we didnt talk.

So i have friends and geniunely i very empathatic and i help people when they have this emotional breadown but when they are done with it they never talk to me. i feel so temporary in every ones life and so alone. I am struggling with my weight, pcos that will never cure and all the people in my life who make me feel so alone. So the message to to take home is no matter what people say and how much they body shame you it shouldnt affect who you are and your confidence as it takes so much to put yourself back together and stand up again. Their opinion shouldnt rule your life but its your opinion that should be changing the world. So stop worrying what you look like and what people say as its only you who truly understand your struggle.