In search of the original ME!
I know it’s an abrupt start for writing anything. I am not a writer neither a reader. I am an observer. Relations-they are the most complicated (only if we want them to be) otherwise they are the much sorted part of a human being. I once heard someone saying that we are a soul who has been given this human body to reside in. Since, we are temporary resident of this human body, we are intended to fulfill some roles in life. I will take me as example to elaborate it further. I have a soul residing in my body. My soul is one. But being a human I have to fulfill a lot of roles. Being born a female, I am a female-young lady-would be woman in near future. I am a daughter, a sister, a grand-daughter, a niece, an aunt, a student, a mentor, an employee, a professional. To me these roles are so known that till today I try to fulfill my responsibilities towards them. I accept I may not have fulfilled some roles 100% as I am not perfect.
I am going to be 31 years in October. A lot more roles are waiting for me to get fulfilled, but I don’t feel competent enough to fulfill those roles. I want a companion-friend-mate-lifepartner-lover-protector-comforter-GENTLEMAN, I do not deny this fact, but I am not certain about myself. Would I be able to play this role? Would I be able to give away all of it which I am seeking in other person? Would I be able to do justice to this role? A lot of uncertainty keep surrounding me with the very thought of the role of a WIFE. The circumstances of the past do play a role in this level of thinking. I was always a thinker, but now I have become a DEEP THINKER, which everyone says is not a good way of living a life and dealing with life. Thinking is good but thinking deeply never gives a way out. I got to trust myself, I got to trust other. Things will fall in place, things will happen, and they will happen for good.
Whatever happens, happen for a reason. I keep wondering, what are those reasons? Yes, I have got answers for lot of questions, and still some questions remain unanswered. And those unanswered ones keep my thoughts pondering. Relations are not complex, just fulfilling the roles assigned to the soul for renting the body, then why we fuss about them so much. I am scared, scared of what is what I am trying figuring out.
I have given my best in all possible ways, now I want to be on the receiving end, would I be getting anything in return? Ever?
I have made mistakes, huge mistakes and have learnt lessons big time. Trust has been broken, faith has been broken, still I have mend my ways to stand tall and keep a smile on face, keeping my emotions check when exposed to the world, but when in shell, there are numerous tears which keep on rolling inside the heart, trying to heal the unseen wounds and bring smile for the next round of exposure.
For all those who know me, they know me as a person with strong will, a strong child of my parents who took a decision to stay away to achieve what she is today, a person for my friends who stands strong on her principles and doesn’t care about the world criticizing her, a friend who does not tolerate nonsense. I am still the same, but the essence of the originality seems to get faded.
I am MISSING myself, my original self, the chirpy me, the ever smiling me (not just from outside but from within), the positive me, the who give a damn me, the giver me.