Learn new skills, make friends, have fun – author Sudha Menon on how to ‘feel’ young

India is predominantly a young country. So, does that mean ageism is something we need to tackle? Or as the saying goes, is age just a state of mind?

No matter how you choose to define it, “age” is something all of us are conscious about at some time or the other. When we are young, we want to be older, and treated as adults; when we are older, we look back at our younger days with longing in our hearts. Ageism also stops one from doing the things they want to, festers feelings of self-doubt, and well, brings in huge conflicts when it comes to emotions.

Who better to explain and decode ageism than Sudha Menon, the author of Feisty at 50 – How I Stay Fabulous at Fifty-Plus?

In a community chat on HerStory Women on a Mission Facebook page, Sudha answered questions on ageism, staying young, the pressure to settle down, and more.

Here are some excerpts from the chat:

Q. As we grow older, how do we not let our minds age? How does one stay young at heart?

Sudha Menon: You can do so by cultivating a variety of interests. Don't be a dull, drab person who is unmoved by anything. Learn new skills, make new friends, rediscover your bond with your sisters and mum. Have fun with your friends. And reignite the passion of your initial years together with your significant other.

I am not, even for a moment, saying there has to be a significant other. You don't really need a significant other. I know so many feisty, fabulous women who have the most fun. They are self-sufficient and full of joy because they have discovered and cultivated interests that keep their mojo intact.

Q. Men look better at 40 while women don’t. What do you make of this?

SM: Ageing and looking good is a very subjective thing. I love my hair coloured deep brown and my nails painted, but that does not make me any better looking than a couple of my friends who have chosen to go completely grey.

What makes you look and feel better is the way you approach ageing - don't let it defeat or pull you down. It is the confidence that you feel about being you. Don’t let anybody tell you that you are not good enough because you are old. I wrote my book, Feisty At Fifty, because I was so pissed with the messages that were being thrown at me about hitting 50. We all do it. That is how deeply ingrained ageism is in our society.

Q. How does one respond to people when they don't take you seriously because of your age, or when they try and put you down because you are not young anymore?

SM: Just stand your ground and gently remind them that you know what you are speaking about. Having hit my fifties a couple of years ago, I am frequently told by some young pipsqueak or the other that I probably don't know about something because it is not from my generation! Or that I can't wear red lipstick because I am too old for it.

"Why don't you wear brown or nude lipstick," sales staff in malls would tell me, and it used to make me mad. Now, I have my own ways to handle those put downs.

Q. What is your advice to women in their 20s – and why they should not fret about getting older

SM: When I was 20, I used to think anyone over 30 was old, but now I am almost 53, and I have never felt so empowered and full of life. I want to tell women in their 20s that your life experiences add to who you are and make you a better person. Life gets infinitely better from the 40s - take my word for it!

Q. As women get older, they face more pressure to settle down and take on domestic roles, but that may not be the right path for everyone. What advice do you have on navigating these pressures?

SM: The only thing that should matter here is the woman's choice. If she is not ready for marriage, she should have a conversation with her parents/family and put her cards on the table. It is her life, and it should be she who gets to decide. I know it is easier said than done but the sooner she tackles the issue, the better for her.

I have a 27-year-old daughter, and the clamour in my extended family to get her married is so loud, it is not funny. But the decision is for her to make, and we have left it at that. Occasionally, though, I get tempted to tell her about some proposal or the other that people keep sending! I think the story is similar in a lot of families! It's always comforting to know other people are facing the same issues, and I am sure your daughter appreciates you leaving the decision to her.

Q. As a writer, have you faced writer's block? How do you overcome it?

SM: I am in the midst of the mother of all writer's blocks right now. I haven't written a page in the last week or so. But I like to think of this phenomenon more as an excuse for laziness. Sometimes, it is also because writers are too hard on themselves and become dull and jaded from just sitting at their desks, hacking away. When I hit that stage, I go out and potter around in my city, hit the mall, or hang out with my friends over a bit of shopping or lunch. Or I read a good book and eat a piece of cake. And miraculously, my writer's block is gone.

Q. Some of my peers are settled, some are in the process, it's a weird phase - late 20s - how do you suggest we keep calm? How to keep the mental comparisons at bay?

SM: I understand exactly what you are saying. It really boils down to how much faith you have in yourself, and how much you believe in your own journey. Not everyone can, or wants to, be in the corporate rat race or marry a rich young man. If you are one of those who don't want that, remind yourself and your immediate family. Tell them what your dreams are and they will support and encourage you to get there.

Q. Why is there so much emphasis on women in their 30s and marriage... how does one deal with it?

SM: That is the way they have been wired for decades! The way to deal with it is by gently but firmly telling your family that marriage is not what you desire at this point. Take them into confidence about your dreams, goals and aspirations, and ask for their help to get to the destination of your dreams. Getting well-meaning relatives, even parents, off your back can be a difficult and daunting task but if you don't want to be caught in a situation you don't like, the onus is on you to take a stand and believe in your decision. Whatever works for you!

Q. You are a writing coach - what are the three key skills that a writer or a storyteller should cultivate?

SM: Passion, persistence, and perception. If you are not touched by the things you see around you, and you don't feel the intense need to write about what moves you, writing is, perhaps, not meant for you. A writer/storyteller will see a story in almost anything because she is observing with all her senses and recording stuff in her head.

Q. What inspires your writings?

SM: I am inspired by the stories of ordinary people to write - their refusal to be defeated by the challenges that life throws at them.

For more conversations, follow HerStory Women On A Mission page on Facebook.