When living with housemates causes room for concern
Sharing space with difficult housemates is challenging. Some experiences can be unpleasant and unsettling, causing fear and anxiety. How does one navigate the challenges of safety and mental health in a shared living setup?
A year ago, Anisha Jain was working in Mumbai and sharing a flat with a few people.
One of the flatmates was Saba* whose behaviour puzzled and worried the other residents of the flat. Saba would change her clothes too often, wash her hands excessively, and frequently stay out all night.
Jain recalls that, when Saba moved in, her mother had asked her flatmates to look after her daughter. She also called them frequently asking for updates about Saba, sometimes even 10 times a day.
Saba would often break things in anger. One night, she was found banging her head on the wall. And once she threw her new T-shirt out of the window simply because she disliked its colour.
“Her erratic behaviour was deeply concerning for us. We reached out to her parents, but they insisted she stay with us. And our landlord didn’t seem to care much,” says Jain.
The situation became quite frustrating and overwhelming for the flatmates when Saba ‘disappeared’ one fine day without telling anyone. She was away for a couple days, without any information or intimation, leaving the others anxious and concerned.
When she finally returned, everyone questioned her about her absence. But, instead of offering an explanation, Saba just walked away, says Jain.
When one of the flatmates insisted on an answer, Saba snapped—she picked up a steel bottle and threw it at her.
Jain recounts how the flatmate narrowly dodged the bottle, which struck her on the shoulder and missed the face.
“That was the breaking point,” says Jain, adding, “We realised we couldn’t continue living in constant fear—for our safety and even hers. So, we reached out to our landlord and explained the situation. We told him how we all felt trapped in a volatile and unpredictable environment."
Eventually, Saba's parents took her away. Her flatmates found out that Saba was struggling with her mental health and had even attempted suicide earlier.
“I hope she feels better wherever she is but living with her was a nightmare for us,” says Jain.
Unsettling experiences
About two years ago, Netflix released the documentary series The Worst Roommate Ever, featuring stories of individuals whose roommates were vicious, and, at times, even violent.
While the situations depicted in the series may seem extreme, some of the experiences of people whom SocialStory spoke to are quite unsettling.
Two years ago, Simar Choudhary* had just bagged a job in Bengaluru. She wanted a comfortable and budget-friendly accommodation. After months of searching, she moved into a cosy three-bedroom apartment, which she had to share with two other women.
This seemed like the perfect arrangement to Choudhary, until she discovered it wasn’t so.
One of the housemates micromanaged everything–right from tracking how much sugar and butter was used to how many days a week the washing machine would run.
And the other roommate interfered in Choudhary’s personal life, taking an unusual interest in how much time she was on the phone and with whom.
The situation reached a boiling point when one of them resorted to verbal violence, unpleasant language, and other uneasy acts like banging on doors, entering rooms without knocking, and passing disturbing stares.
After three months of living in dread, Choudhary was desperate to move out.
“There were days I was scared to walk out of my room. I used to dread going back to my house from the office. These three months left me with severe anxiety around people I shared my space with,” she says.
Not seeing eye to eye: Prolonged living with a difficult housemate can cause significant psychological distress and affect mental health in some people.
In the case of Utkarsh Pandit, the cause of despair was money, which made co-living an unpleasant experience for him. He shared a flat in Chennai with another person who used to double the electricity bill amount to cover his share as well.
“Such experiences make it harder for you to trust anyone easily in future,” says Pandit.
Impact on mental health
Prolonged living with a difficult housemate can cause significant psychological distress and affect mental health in some people.
Dr Shivakumar A, a resident doctor working in the psychiatry department at National Health Service (NHS), UK, says living with people who do not have healthy physical or emotional boundaries can aggravate one’s mental health, leading to interpersonal conflicts and distressing situations.
“The impact can range from occasional changes in mood level to adjustment disorder, which is a behavioural response to a psychosocial stressor,” he says.
Symptoms of adjustment disorder include anxiety, sadness, crying, difficulty sleeping, headache, and restlessness.
When a housemate engages in erratic behaviour, it can be distressing for others to navigate their day-to-day life. This can lead to functional impairment in many aspects of one’s life, such as career, health, and personal relationships. It may also affect their outlook of strangers and their ability to trust others.
Megha Roy, a young working professional from Bengaluru, now lives alone in a paying guest accommodation, after a harrowing experience with a flatmate.
Almost every weekend, her flatmate–who was a single working mother–would ask her if she was planning to go out. If not, she would request Roy to take care of her child.
This was just the beginning. Soon financial issues began to surface.
The flatmate started buying groceries worth Rs 27,000 in a single month. When Roy confronted her about the expenses, it led to heated arguments between the two.
The situation escalated when the flatmate started controlling who could visit Roy in the house.
“I was constantly on the edge, afraid of what she might do next,” says Roy, who eventually moved out of the house.
She thinks she would never be able to stay with strangers in a shared setup again.
Co-living has pros
With so many people experiencing bad experiences with housemates, is co-living a good idea?
Despite the challenges and associated conflicts, sharing a living space comes with several advantages: lower living costs due to shared expenses, equal participation in chores which eases the burden of housekeeping, and shared interests that enhance social life.
Kashi Sharma*, who lives in Bengaluru, had encountered a series of bad experiences with flatmates. However, her fortunes turned recently when she welcomed a new resident into her house.
Sharma realised that her flatmate had an interesting personality and was empathetic and helpful too.
“Many times she comes to my room with a cup of tea, and we have hour-long discussions. She has an interesting personality and her philosophy aligns with mine,” she says, adding, “A few, good flatmates can pull you out from a place of despair and loneliness.”
Housemate hunting in the new age
How does one find a roommate who is compatible with one's needs and interests? Technology promises to come to the rescue.
Various apps, like FlatMate.in and Roomi, have emerged in recent times in an attempt to ease the process of finding compatible roommates.
Sukhbir Singh, Founder of FlatMate.in, says people often prefer housemates who share similar cultural backgrounds and lifestyle preferences, and FlatMate.in helps them find such roommates by allowing them to set specific preferences related to fitness, food, alcohol consumption, travel, pet love, etc.
Singh says his app attracts 18k to 20k new users a month, indicating that, despite its challenges, co-living is here to stay.
To ensure credibility and safety of tenants, the app provides a ‘Verify Your Tenant’ feature. Using this, flatmates can verify each other’s Aadhar ID and background.
A shared living arrangement has its fair share of challenges and complexities. The key to navigating these lies in conflict resolution, open communication, and setting boundaries.
Resolve conflicts and draw boundaries
Even if one were to find a ‘compatible’ housemate who shares similar interests and preferences, a shared living arrangement has its fair share of challenges and complexities.
How does one navigate these difficulties, especially in urban settings? The key lies in conflict resolution and open communication.
Dr Neerja Agarwal, a psychologist and Co-founder of Emoneeds, a mental health platform, explains that unresolved conflicts can foster feelings of resentment and anger.
“If such feelings are internalised, it can lead to long-term psychological damage,” she says.
She also advocates building personal boundaries to protect one’s physical, emotional, and mental health.
“Effective communication, mutual respect, and setting boundaries are crucial to mitigate the negative effects on mental well-being,” she says.
Dr Shivakumar of NHS recommends that housemates come up with an agreement on the basic ground rules to follow in the shared living space.
“If a situation causes any psychological distress, then consider removing oneself from the unhealthy environment or consulting a qualified mental health provider to provide further support,” he advises.
* Name changed to protect identity
Edited by Swetha Kannan